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blee3939 -

I'm a Chinese boy, 23, youngest of 3. I know what you're feeling. My oldest brother married a
Chinese woman 5 years older than him (a huge no-no in our culture). But he told them about their
relationship when they were in too deep. My sister, she married a white guy. But they were in
school together, so it was hard for my parents to keep watch. And that leaves me. I am living at
home to save money so I will have some savings before I move out. My parents are very traditional,
but want happiness for me and my siblings. Which is why they don't openly go against my sister and
brother. But since I am the last hope for them, I feel a lot of pressure. I was dating a really
good friend of mine. I was close friends with her for 4+ years, and started dating in February.
The big problem was that she was a mulatto (black and white). In my culture, it might be the worst
thing, well at least to my parents. That kills me. I am so open minded and accepting of all races,
yet my parents, of whom I love dearly, are so against it. I know it is their culture and whatnot,
but who says culture is a good thing if it is wrong? I feel so bad about it, and that we had to
end on those terms. Our relationship was amazing, even though she lived about an hour and a half
away. We'd talk on the weeknights and hang out on the weekends. Every second we spent together was
amazing. Now I am left to wondering for the rest of my life if I made the right decision. Only if
I could see it through until the end, maybe things wouldn't have worked out. It proved to be too
hard to turn my back on my parents, who sacrificed a lot to move to the US and support me and my
siblings. I'm just so torn about the whole situation. But what's done is done right? Just have to
move on. The culture is there, chinese children are usually very obedient. But to the white folks,
it is very prevalent these days for whites to date asians. So keep up hope.



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anthony_barker -

Wife's parents didn't want us to get married - still did. They refused to talk to us - until their
grandchild came along.

Now they've forgotten about me and focus on my daughter. Everything is somewhat better (on the
surface at least).










adrianlondon -

My partner's parents know of me (in that I've been to Taipei twice and stayed over at their place
for a few days) but they don't know I've been in a relationship with their son for the last 4
years. We both live in London.

I think the issue isn't that I'm white, but that I'm a bloke

My family are fine; and I think his are fine in a "we're aware what's going on, just don't talk
about it" kind of way. It's all about saving face with the neighbours over there










billiardsmike -

Adrian,

Many years in Atlanta (the San Fransisco of the southern US) have taught me that most Asian
cultures have a more difficult time accepting gays than most western cultures (Latin America being
an exception). I've had several gay friends who found this to be a major stumbling block. You may
have to accept it and move on.










adrianlondon -

I have accepted it; it seems to work fine for all concerned. A sort of "don't ask don't tell"
policy, based on the US military :-)










Incubus -

hi all, ive been searching the net for help and advice on chinese culture. you see my girlfriend
is chinese. she moved to adelaide 4 months ago and we have been dating since.
i find her such a beautiful person , that treats me in a way i could only dream about before.
previous dating attrempts had always failed and to be hoenst ive not had any luck with western
girls and their western attitudes. i met cindy and my life turned around.

im 37 and a single father of a 9 year old boy, she has so far accepted this.i cannot describe in
words how i feel about her or how she treats me is so differant to western girls. all i know is i
love her culture and have tried to adpot as much of it as possible and have gotten rid of the
typiucal beer and bbq aussie culture. i want to learn so much about chinese culture and to be if
possible to be a little chinese in the way i am as a person.

she is 31 and has had a couple of boyfriends, she cannot had children due to a blockage ro some
other medical term. she came here as a nurse and is at uni gettin her accreditaion. she has stated
she wants to have children and have actually been trying and was talking about IVF as well soon as
she got a job,also she wanted to get a car and house to live in , the family dream for me was
becoming a reality since we met we have both really be taken by each other. especialy me , of
which i promptly fell in love with her (mistake no.1).


well after 4 months of the best times of my life the bubble was burst.
she started telling me over msn chat as we dont live together, that she is very unhappy and
frustrated. i will show what she wrote as i am so uspet at the moment, i did not sleep well last
night and have not gone to work today. im so depressed that what i thought of a wonderfull future
we could have was ripped away from me




Quote:

you don't have much idea about my feeling. I'm struggling all the time. i'm not sure where to go
in the future( I mean whether i will go back china). the differences in culture and many ways
always confuse me and make me not comfortable.also I'm not sure if i'm interested in family life.
I have been used to live alone and freely and do what i want to doCultural differences, i mean not
only eating lifestlye, but also the way you thinking whick is more important




Quote:

i got Chinese thinking, you got Australia thinking. For example, when some dispute happened
between two lovers. in our culture the guy always should coax or console or make consessions to
the girl even the girl is wrong.
8/30/2006 11:19:15 PM 西子湖畔 Incubus it is really hard to explain such things
8/30/2006 11:21:06 PM 西子湖畔 Incubus also we got different attitudes about working, how to
lead a life, and so on
8/30/2006 11:21:52 PM 西子湖畔 Incubus i think my explanation is not enough and not strong as
i think


i dont know why im posting this , im just looking for help i suppose or advice on what these
cultural diffances are
what am i doing wrong as a aussie that a chinese man does not do wrong?

please help










HashiriKata -



Quote:


Originally Posted by her

you don't have much idea about my feeling. I'm struggling all the time.


It sounds like she's trying to tell you something (perhaps your way of dealing with her / not
understanding her ?)










Lu -

I don't know your GF and I don't know you, and am neither Chinese nor Australian, but I'll try to
shed some light on it.


Quote:

she started telling me over msn chat as we dont live together, that she is very unhappy and
frustrated.

Is this the main issue, or just one of the problems? It might be that she feels she's getting
nowhere with you. By Chinese standards, she's an old maid, plus she can't have children. It could
be that she very much wants to get married (and have a baby) and that she feels you're not willing
to marry her. You haven't popped the question yet (possibly because you feel 4 months is too short
to get engaged), but she maybe wants to know for sure that she's not wasting her time with you,
and that you're not just another foreigner who plays around with a Chinese girl only to dump her
shortly afterwards.



Quote:

For example, when some dispute happened between two lovers. in our culture the guy always should
coax or console or make consessions to the girl even the girl is wrong.

Not sure if this is really always the case with Chinese boys, but it'd definately help if you'd
coax/console her, tell her how much she means to you, etc etc.

And some general relationship advice:
- in intercultural relationships, it's really important to realize that there are differences, and
to talk about it. Also, trust is very important. If she does something that upsets you, you have
to be able to be sure that she didn't mean to upset you but that she loves you and it's a cultural
thing. Then tell her what she did, why that upset you, ask her why she did that, talk it over
until you understand each other.
- do not have difficult conversations late at night, when you're both tired.
- do not go to sleep before making up.

Lastly: surely you're going to do a lot of things wrong that Chinese men don't do wrong. But the
things you'll do right that Chinese boys don't do right will in all likelihood be more.
You are not the first Australian man with a Chinese GF, and also not the last. Many Ch-Au couples
have gotten married and lived long and happily ever after, so it's not something impossilble that
you're trying.

Good luck!










KIWIBOY -

I feel what you are going through. I went through it for 2 years and never popped the question, I
wasn't playing with her - loved her very much but her family would not meet me and she always put
her father in front of me. Looking back on it, we were living together for some 6-9 months and in
my culture that is a fairly short period before you pop the question, especially with family
issues in the way. It could not get resolved at all and after her arguing with her father on the
phone she packed her bags and went back to China, me not really understanding why and heartbroken.

Looking back on it now, she wanted committment sooner than I was prepared to give it to her. I
love her dearly but I could not marry her with the problems we had. If its going to be over, it
better be sooner rather than later because after 6 months I am only just coming out of the swamp
and we have no communication at all. I have several other friends that have similar experiences.
My GF did not want to look after children, she wanted her parents to but they are in China, she
wanted a fantastic career, she wanted to live in NZ but then didn't, she said she could always
find another husband not another father, the list went on - too much for any guy. In retrospect if
I had popped the question 1 year ago we would have been married today but it was just too much
risk for me and I was prepared for a broken heart rather than a lifetime of confusion and regrets
that I would also have inflicted on my children - I don't care about my feelings now, just the
feelings of any children. She doesn't think the same and holds herself as a victim of
circumstances out of my control and blames me - understandable but she new her culture better than
I did and had also been immersed in Kiwi culture for 5 years. My first thought is that she wants
to marry you and in their culture its a way of telling you. You are in a relatively easy position
compared with me, because at least her family is not against you. If you love her and want to be
with her, don't worry about what she is saying at the moment, pretty sure she wants to marry you
mate.










Incubus -

thank you for your reply, i really appreciate it.

firstly i would marry this girl in a heart beat but i am so unaware of how she feels about me as
she doesnt tell me, but i do love this girl dearly and would be so happy to be married to her.

i try to console her always. i tell here very time i see her how beautiful she is to me and how
importnant she is. i am a very emotional person and am not afraid to show my feelings. i am very
affectionate with her and to the point i cant think straight.
i would do anything for this girl. i even said to her, if you go back to china im coming too , i
dont want to loose you for anything.

as for the suggestions about talking about issues that is a very good idea and i like the points
you made . thank you i will try to put them into practice..


unfortunatley nothing has changed she was on msn last night but did not tak to me much. in fact
her usual affectionate self was present . which indeed made me very sad. i still dont know what to
do.

her constantly telling me the cultural differances are to great, our way of thinking about
everything is too hard for her. especialy in a relationship. now when i ask her to explain she
cannot.

please can somoene tell me what the cultural differances in a relationship is. i hope there is a
aussie/chineses couple out there that maybe able to help me. i am desperate .












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